Infertility etiquette for friends and family-taken from the Resolve organization.

This article says it all! I love that it is written by a person that has went through infertility.

Infertility Etiquette






Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.



Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.



The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.



As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.



A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:



They will eventually conceive a baby.

They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.

They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.



Don't Tell Them to Relax



Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.



Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.



These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.



Don't Minimize the Problem



Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.



Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.



Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen



Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?



Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.



People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.



Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents



One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.



Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF



In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"



Don't Be Crude



It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.



Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy



This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.



The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.



Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."



I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.



Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant



For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.



Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.



Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.



Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition



Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.



Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.



Don't Push Adoption (Yet)



Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.



You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.



Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.



So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.



Let Them Know That You Care



The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.



Remember Them on Mother's Day



With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.



Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.



Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments



No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.



Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

A eventful week.

Hello friends! I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday weekend! I don't know about anything else but i am more than ready for fall! It's my favorite season. Us michiganders had a very hot summer this season! I spent the holiday at home with hubby. We went to a friends bbq and that was it. Just a nice, quiet weekend. The past week was pretty eventful for me. I also started to feel a bit better, as i was starting to get really depressed by this infertility for the first time. I made a big decision after a lot thinking. On tuesday i started seeing a therapist to help me deal with my feelings through this infertility journey. It was a hard decision to make and in a way i felt defeated. It's kinda hard to explain but if you have been through IF then you probably understand. However, this ended up being a wonderful thing. At first i thought i was going to go out of my mind looking for a therapist that even took my insurance. I didn't need to worry though because God guided me to the right person. I feel very blessed to be seeing melissa. She is absolutely wonderful! She truly understands what i am going through and when i talk to her it feels more like i am talking to a friend then a therapist. She is a christian and so she understand how important my faith is to me. In fact the whole practice is christian based. I had my second session with her tonight and already in just two sessions i feel a inner peace in me that i have not felt in a long time. I believe that God guided me to her for a reason.

On thursday i went to a book club/support group that is lead by my friend amy's mom. It was the first time i went. We are reading The Red Tent. It is about the woman in the bible and there are alot of issues in it that relate to infertility such as the story of rachel. Normally the group is four people-amy, her mom, me and amy says she has another friend that is also going through infertility that normally attends. On thursday however it was just me, amy, and her mom. I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful it was to be able to pour out my heart and feelings to people that have been through what i am going through. Our stories and experiences are all different but we all either have or had the same feelings and emotions. Amy's mom is a great listener and knows just what to say and what advice to give. Amy herself is not a friend i have had long, but she is someone that knows and understands what i am feeling, the questions i have, my fears, hopes, ect. She has struggled with infertility as well and knows what a lonely and painful journey it can be. I believe that God also brought her into my life to so that i can have a shoulder to lean on and someone to help me in best and worst times throughout this journey. Amy has survived infertility and has two beautiful girls that her and her husband adopted through foster care. Amy i thank you for being there for me in the short time that we have become friends! You are a amazing, mom, teacher, and friend! If anyone in the metro detroit area is looking for a support group please email me at ronsprincess@yahoo.com

Finally, i had a appointment with my RE yesterday. I have been on etstridol for the past week to thicken the lining of my uterus. I had a ultrasound and bloodwork yesterday and was put on promietrium for twelve days. I should get a menstrual cycle about a week after taking the two drugs. At that time i can finally start my cycle of injections! I don't know how i feel about that. Part of me is excited but part of me is dreading it. Dreading learning how to inject myself, actually injecting myself, the side effects, and the negative pregnancy test that will follow two weeks later. I am not trying to be negative but i know this is not going to work. I know it like i know that grass is green. There is no way that i would be lucky enough for these drugs to actually work. However, i still will continue to put my faith in God and let him guide me. I know that guide can create miracles, i just wish he would create one for me.

My story....

Welcome to my blog! After reading other inspiring infertility blogs, i decided to start my own. I hope to not only help myself, but to help others who are going through infertility or who have gone through it in the past. This is also for those who want to help someone they love going through infertility or just want to learn more about it. I welcome any comments and questions that are of a positive nature. If you feel the need to be rude, mean, and hurtful, go some where else. I don't have room for any of that in my life or this blog, which is my own personal place for my thoughts and for others.

Here is my infertility story....In high school i went through the ups and downs of puberty like anyone else. I had all the physical changes except for one. No period. By senior year my mother had taken me to our family doctor to see what was going on. It turned out i had a few harmless ovarian cysts and my doc put me on BC pills to start my cycles. It worked and i didn't think anything about my period again. Fast forward to 2006. Hubby and i get engaged in october. Our wedding is planned for 2008. By 2007 we had ditched all forms of protection and birth control including the pills. In April 2008 i still had not got a period after being off of the pills for over a year. I decided to see a OB. I went to what i thought was a great male obgyn who did some tests and said i had pcos. I had heard of it but knew very little about it. I went home and googled it, and was crushed at the information i found. I lost any hope of every having children. The doctor put me on a low dose of clomid which failed. We did another in october that same year which also failed. I wasn't sure what to do at that point. I had got a few books on pcos and was trying a few diets to see if that might help us get pregnant naturally. A year later in April 2009 I get this weird feeling to google my ob. I did and to my horror found out he had been charged with sexually assaulting three patients-two in florida and one in new york. (i'm in michigan.). At that point i decided it was time to see a reproductive endocrinologist which is someone that specializes in infertility. I knew i wanted to see a woman and found that there are very few RE's in the metro detroit area. However i did find a wonderful female re and i can't say enough good things about her!

In July 2009 we had our first appointment with her. She started a full range of tests. I should also say that i never did end of getting a period on my own after going off of the bc pills. Dr. G was skeptical of my pcos diagnoises and did the blood work over to check my hormone levels. Hubby got tested and came back normal. While completing the testing i was put on metformin to hopefully start my cycles. It worked but only for about a year, when they suddenly stopped again. I also had a hysto fill in the blank because i can't remember what is called. It is a very common test for woman who are ttc and having trouble. It's the one where they insert the catheter and look at pretty much everything-uterus, ovaries, tubes, eggs, ect. All of that came back normal. In January 2010 i had what i call the other hysto procedure. The reason for this was because dr. g thought she saw some polyps and was hoping that would be what was causing my problem. She went in and found nothing. We ended up with a diagnosis of hypothelmic ovulatory dysfunction. Basicly i don't ovulate and when i do it is not strong enough to cause conception. I did a cycle of femara in march that cancelled halfway through due to small follicle size. My biggest one was only 11mm! At this point we are preparing to do our first round of injectibles. Follistum and Menopur. I am very nervouse about this, especially about having to give myself a shot. I am not someone who is scared of getting shots, but for me it is what the shots symbolize. It symbolizes the fact that we are at this point. A point i hoped we would never be at. I also can not believe the cost of these fertility medications! It is unbelieveable how much they cost! And of course our insurance does not cover a single bit of it. I don't know how we are ever going to have any hope of having a child when we can hardly afford the treatments. I do know that God has a plan. He has brought me to this journey for a reason. I have never been through anythign so hard in my life. If this dosen't stregnthen me i don't know what will. I hope and pray eveyday that God will bless us with a miracle and i pray the same for others as well. I apologize that this post is so long and if you are still reading thank you! I promise they will not all be this lenghty! :)